The Mother's Day Survival Guide

Yes. The day is finally here. Mother's Day!!!  Where you go and pick her Hydrangeas and Irises from the flower bed, and not get in trouble. It's like a flower picking free for all! Unlike a regular day, when you go and pick your mom's flowers, you don't get yelled at for grabbing a flower or two... or twelve. You get "Awww. Thank you Sweetie." Yes!
Another plus, when you get marker or paint on the floor or wall, it's cute because you wanted to make a card. And its the thought that counts right? So go ahead color the wall to your little heart's desire.
But don't be fooled. Just because the flowers are suddenly available and you can magically paint the floors does not mean you can get away with anything. There are limitations, you cannot abuse the power Mother's Day suddenly gives you.
First the cuteness of being covered in glitter stops around age seven, it's just annoying when you're twenty-something. *Cough, cough* Ke$ha.

Gifting Dos and Don'ts:
Dos:
1) You can never go wrong with crafts. Something made from the the heart is a sure way of getting Good Child points. A macaroni picture should hold you off until your about eight or nine. Then you have to pull out the big guns.
2) Jewelry. It is a fact of life, diamonds are a women's best friend.  Or if you're like me so is a cheap plastic thing you won from a machine at the front of a dollar store.
3) Flowers. They smell good and are pretty.

Dont's:
1) Leather Suites. What more can I say?
2) Saying "Happy Mother's Day." How would feel if you were a mom and your kid walked up to you and said "Happy Mother's Day, and umm stuff.... Can i borrow ten bucks?"
3) Never! Ever! Flush you mother's make up or jewelry down the toilet. Just because she looks pretty without it, or the jewelry is ugly, does not mean you can 'Do her a favor' and dispose of it.

Family.
It's a well known fact that Mother's day means food and food means family. Even if you invited them or not. You must be on your best behavior. Talking about the sound a bug made when you squished it is not proper to discuss at the table. Especially when your an adult. I'm just saying. Making Granny lose her lunch will not get you a Christmas card.

So now that we have covered the basics, I think you are prepared enough to face Mother's Day on your own. Take a deep breath, you got this.

The duck face!

The duck face. Making ugly girls with bad teeth think they look pretty since 1999. Alright people, I have to come out and say this:  THE DUCK FACE IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!!! IT IS UGLY!!!!!

There are different levels of the duck face.

There is:

The, I am so ghetto, look: you have to turn your lips to the side or else it will be mistaken for the, I have an attitude and I am proud of it, so I think I'll try to put on a face that says 'Get up out my Kool-aid', look.

The, I think I'm sexy but the picture speaks other wise, face: Must be done while laying on your back, to amp up the picture's 'sexiness'.

Of course there is, I have an attitude and I am proud of it, so I think I'll try to put on a face that says 'Get up out my Kool-aid' :  See how the lips are pushed out as far as possible.

And my personal favorite, The Deranged Mallard: Notice the wrinkled chin and flared nostrils. that is a key element in the Deranged Mallard face

This is an epidemic. It must be stopped! Let's get real, it looks like you sniffed ink as a child.
But be aware, this disease does not only effect the female population.
Sadly it has spread to men too.

It has even spread to the children. Where is the humanity?!?!?!

If you think you suffer from this horrible disease please visit:  http://antiduckface.com/  but the most important thing to remember is: There is help for you. You can change.

Big Creepy Fuzzy Red Ants

    Thanks to my mom I now have a new fear. Big creepy fuzzy red ants. I was standing in my bathroom yesterday straightening my hair, when i noticed this, what I thought to be, a huge fire ant crawling up the wall. So I grabbed a weapon, the cap from my hair spray. Wielding my  super ant killing weapon I began to beat the wall mercilessly. Well, apparently the ant was like Super Ant or something and would not die. So I skillfully trapped the Godzilla Ant under the cap. I went to slide it onto a piece of paper and the thing managed to escape. So I'm like "OHMYGOD!!CREEPYGODZILLAANTESCAPED!!"
Well my mom heard me and was like "what's wrong?"
so I tell her:
Me: Big creepy Godzilla ant!
Her: Was it furry?
Me: I don't knoooowww.... O.o (< that is me all confused)
Her: Okay.

So she walks away and I follow her.
"Wait. Are those real?" i ask
"Is what real?" that is how she responded. I am having a panic attack and she acts like she doesn't know what I'm talking about.
"The furry ant?"
"Yep, and they will sting you and  you will explode."

Well, she didn't mention the exploding part but, I could only assume that. Especially after I Googled  'fuzzy red ant'.


This is the picture i got:

What the hack? That thing looks like it is from another planet. It is called a Red Velvet Ant, and the females have a very painful sting.
How am I supposed to know if it's a dude or chick. Ask it? What if it is a girl and gets offended and stings me? Then I'm in the same boat I was trying to avoid. My dad said just kill it but, did I mention this thing is also called a Cow Killer. If it can kill cows what defense do i have? Now I'm freaked out. I am to the point of shaking my blankets before I go to bed. Also, it seems like everyone knew these abominations walked the Earth. Everyone......but, guess who? That's right. Me.
While all these other people had time to train and bulk up to fight the Cow Killing Beast, i was totally in the dark about the danger of this cow hating creature Not any more! I refuse to be defenseless! I must fight! Or buy some bug spray.